Our troubles are not a sign that God is angry with us! We are in the world and Jesus said that in the world we would have tribulation. He also told us to cheer up because He had overcome the world
(see John 16:33). Joyce Meyer
"LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me."
It took six long years for me to conceive my first son, and there is six years between he and my second son. Six long years for each of my blessings to come along; The universe centered around them, no question!
You can probably guess where this is going, can't you?
I gave up a lot of things and relationships, all in the name of being a good mom! A mom better than someone who would put her kids through divorce!
Kids take a lot of work when there are two parents around, but they take DOUBLE the work when there is only one.
I exhausted myself, working, homeschooling, trying to keep up with the laundry, dishes, house work, cooking, spending time with them. The list could go on and on.
Time for God? What time? I had no time.
Time for me? HA! Who are you kidding? I didn't even exist.
I love my children, but I would catch myself thinking things like;
"I'm the only one who cares about and understands my kids!"
Why can't their dad step up more, doesn't he love them?"
"I need a break from my kids"
"I'm the only one who cares what happens to them. They should stop this shared parenting nonsense!"
"If I have to wash one more face or tie one more shoe, I am going to lose it"
"Their dad goes out all the time, I NEVER get to go out anymore!"
I believed everything I was telling myself. I believed their dad didn't care, I was the only one capable of taking care of them, I wanted a break, but thought I was the beginning and the end for them.
Then the paperwork came in the mail. Their Dad was seeking full custody.
My world went tilted and everything came to a screeching halt!
At that time, I believed that if you thought something enough or said something out-loud enough, God gave it to you, or punished you if need be.
All the times I had complained I needed a break. All the times I thought to myself that I just wanted to stop being mom & dad and just be alone just for a little while. All the times I cried because I was so overwhelmed... God finally put a plan in place... and it STUNK!
This wasn't what I wanted! Surely God could see that. Surely He knew that my complaining wasn't about not wanting my kids!
The struggle for custody lasted a little over a year. When the final judgement came down....my knees buckled and
God became Public Enemy #1!
How could He do this to me? I don't deserve this! I had given everything! Everything I had! This can't be right!! I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please, please bring my children back to me!
Anger didn't even begin to describe what I was feeling!
I was mad at everyone who had anything to do with my case, my children, my ex, his new wife, it was everyone's fault and God was at the top of the list!
I couldn't let this happen. I fought a long time, almost 3 years. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. More exhausted than I had ever been while taking care of my kids, more than I had ever been in my life.
They weren't coming home...I had to face that fact!
This left me wandering, wondering, and feeling as lost as I had ever felt. Then one day, after the last court hearing, I started humming a song. I couldn't quite put the words to it., but still, I hummed.
It drove me nuts for about a week and then I was cleaning out my piano music (out of the blue I decided to do this) and there, sitting in front of me was the song I had been humming!
I Cast All My Cares Upon You! I had played it, sung it and heard it a millions times as a kid in church. Now it was calling to me to Cast all my cares upon God? Could I do it? Could I go to God and tell Him how angry I was? Would it make a difference?
I waited. I wasn't ready.
Several weeks passed.
Then, one night after I had returned my children to their father's, the pain was just too much and I dropped to me knees, sobbing, and yelling at God! Yelling at the top of my lungs about how angry I was at Him! How lonely I had become! How I didn't want to go on any longer. I hated not being a full time mom!! Hated it, hated it, hated it!!
That night, the healing began. (Psalm 30:2)
God knew I was angry at Him. He was just waiting for me to tell Him. He waited because He understood. He knew that until I was ready, He couldn't make a difference. A difference in my life, in my children's lives, and in relationships that were to come along.
He couldn't use my pain for good until I was ready to learn. To learn to rely on Him, not me, and not my own understanding.
Being angry at God is okay. I think He expects it, we are human after all. Heck, I was mad at my parents most of my teenage years.
God's love is a healing love. A constant love. An unconditional love.
Waits for us to come to Him so the healing can begin.
My relationship with my boys is better now than it has ever been. No, they are never going to live with me while they finish being kids, but, I learned the value of quality not quantity when it comes to giving of myself. Time and my full attention make our relationship stronger, healthier, and more Christ centered than ever before!
Oh, I still have bouts of great sadness, and it still isn't always peaches and cream, but I know something now that I didn't know before...
God's healing touch!